Diary 1: F.A.R.T. is Coming!
DIARY 1 F.A.R.T. IS COMING!
The sign in the bookstore window was such a shock that I undershot the street curb with my skateboard and got served a mouthful of sidewalk. Stumbling to my feet, I reread the poster a couple of times just to be sure.
Yes! It was really happening. F.A.R.T. couldn’t stop us now.
F.A.R.T. IS COMING! Not exactly the words you’d want to hear in a crowded elevator, but for me it meant freedom for kids everywhere and doom for a stinky organization that lived up to its name: Families Against Rotten Teens, or simply “F.A.R.T.”
I stared at that sign like a hungry cat in front of a fishbowl. No wonder a bookstore employee shot me a curious glance through the window. Could she ever imagine that this hoodied skateboard scruff was behind her next big-selling book?
On the other hand, could I really take credit for what was a complete accident? I mean, what if I hadn’t discovered that cookbook in my parents’ kitchen a month ago? It chills me to wonder.
You see, that cookbook was no cookbook; it was F.A.R.T.’s secret parenting manual.
You’re holding dynamite in your hands! That’s how the manual described itself. It bragged that centuries ago, when kids first said “NO” to their parents, a secret organization called Families Against Rotten Teens sprang up to reply, “OH, YES YOU WILL!” and today, it was still going strong.
I know—your history teachers never told you about F.A.R.T. Well, who do you think pays your teachers? Elves? Of course not—your parents do.
You couldn’t buy this manual. Only parents who promised to hide it from their kids could get one, and between its covers were sleazy obedience tricks that no respectable parenting guide would ever print.
The BOGUS BROTHER BLUFF is a perfect example. In this scam, a parent shows their child a framed picture of some random kid and claims that this was a brother that the police took away for failing to make his bed. Nice, huh?
F.A.R.T. also sold insane products like HYPNO-TRIP, a hypnosis DVD that parents could play on their minivan’s entertainment system. Hypno-Trip convinces kids that they’ve visited a pricey theme park when, in fact, they’ve never left their driveway!
How long had my parents been pranking me with these tricks? They’d never tell. No parent would. Secrecy is everything to F.A.R.T.
But the worst of F.A.R.T.’s schemes was their plan for a BRAIN MODEM. With the click of an app, parents would be able to hijack their kids’ minds and make them do their homework, take out the garbage, or paint the garage. And all for free! With that app, parents wouldn’t need a manual anymore.
Luckily, the Brain Modem will NEVER happen. Me and my three buds Apricot, Banana, and Crabapple managed to snag a F.A.R.T. manual, and we found a guy named Jack Hack who promised to publish it. Dynamite, that’s what they called their gruesome little guide. Well, we just lit the fuse! So, one week from now, on April 1—just like the sign said—this bookstore and others like it will expose F.A.R.T. to the whole wide world! End of story.
Well, not exactly.
Because, as great as this all is, there are times I wish I had never heard of F.A.R.T. or laid eyes on that phony cookbook. You see, our friend Apricot is missing, and all clues point to F.A.R.T.